Maria lost her partner of 22 years earlier this year. Susan’s sister was killed in an accident in October. Mark’s wife had a stroke in June, and has not regained her ability to speak or to understand what he says to her. And Josie lost her son ten years ago, but finds that around the Holidays she misses him most.
As November ended and the Holidays were in full swing, all of these people felt themselves sinking into deep sorrow. They watched as friends and family happily prepared for Holiday festivities, and wondered how it was that Christmas had become so sad for them. Unable to concentrate at work, they spent their time at home, staring into space or too restless to sit still.
What they all shared in common was what we call “SUG’s, ” or Sudden Upsurges of Grief. The winter Holidays recalled for them memories of Holidays past, and of how things were “before” – before they lost the ones they had loved. Whether to death, illness, break-up or divorce, loss is marked by anniversary dates. These can be dates of death, birthdays, anniversaries, or shared traditions – such as the Holidays. With these marker events often comes powerful, raw grief. People are often surprised by how deeply they ache with sadness, or by how empty they feel. And it does not seem to matter whether the actual loss was weeks, months, or years ago; grief shows up unannouced and on its own schedule.
Sudden Upsurges of Grief are entirely normal, especially around events or traditions that center around family togetherness. They are a part of the journey through grief, and they are reminders of how temporary everything is in this life – health, relationships, and life itself. It is a bittersweet reality; loss is inevitable and we all experience it, and knowing this makes each moment more precious.
It is important to keep in mind that even though feelings of loss and sadness may seem unbearable, they, too, are temporary. Waves of feeling will rise and fall, and the task is to breathe through each one, knowing that it will recede. Sharing the pain with someone can help to ease the burden of grief. We are not meant to walk the journey alone. Remembering good times with a loved one, though it might bring tears, can also help to balance feelings of sadness with happiness and light.
Most of all, it is helpful to be fully present with each moment. In this way, we create new memories and new traditions, and we keep ourselves grounded in the here and now. There is wonder in each moment, right here, in the simple fact that we breathe and that we are alive.
Peace to all of you, and may the next year bring you happiness and prosperity.
Tags: anniversary dates, coping with grief, Grief, grief during the Holidays, holidays, journey through grief, loss, sadness, Sudden Upsurges of Grief
